I Gave You My Number
by Maddi Paige
Summary: What happens when Sherlock gets bored? He bothers people...constantly. Textfic! Read and review, please? Rated T because Lestrade needs mouthwash...


**Author's note: This is what happens when Biology class is stupidly slow and dull and altogether _boring_. Enjoy!**

* * *

If daughter has pink lipstick and a Chihuahua, move her into protective custody immediately. –SH

Why should I? –L

Stop being pessimistic, Lestrade, a life is in danger, and your job is to protect the innocent, correct? –SH

It's not my division. –L

Your wife cheated on you again. –SH

Am I wrong? –SH

Of course you're not. You're bloody brilliant, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, a genius consulting detective, who never gets anything wrong, but who doesn't know anything about the solar system! –L

Ouch. That hurt. –SH

Really? –L

Nope. –SH

I'm called a sociopath for a reason. –SH

And we all know that's a load of bullshit. –L

Lestrade, this is childish. Is the daughter in custody yet? –SH

No, but why do you care Mr. Sociopath? –L

The murderer is the girl's deranged mother, who believes her daughter witnessed the killing of her father. Therefore, the mother will try to kill her daughter to tie up loose ends, and is probably plotting about how to do it as we bicker over my lack of knowledge of the cosmos. –SH

So, no pressure or anything. –SH

Damn it Sherlock! –L

I'll need a new case now, if you've got a decent one. –SH

Hello? –SH

Lestrade. –SH

This is childish. –SH

Bored! –SH

* * *

John. –SH

John. –SH

John. –SH

John. –SH

WHAT –JW

Bored. –SH

And what am I supposed to do about it? –JW

Bother Lestrade for a case, will you? –SH

Um, no. –JW

Why not? You aren't busy. –SH

I'm working, Sherlock. Why don't you do it? –SH

He's not answering me. You only have one patient scheduled for this afternoon. –SH

Well, that's your problem then. –JW

Did you follow me to work? –JW

Maybe. –SH

You need to find a hobby. Ask Ms. Hudson to teach you how to knit. –JW

Please, John! I can practically feel my mind melting from the monotony! –SH

Or maybe you should take up poetry. What's with all the alliteration? –JW

Nothing. My brilliant brain is boiling from boredom. –SH

Uh, huh. Are you sure that it's not a result of an experiment gone wrong? –JW

You are okay, right? –JW

If anything's happened to you or the flat, so help me I will burn your nicotine patches. –JW

You, John Watson, are cruel. –SH

Oh, so you were just ignoring me then! Fine, two can play at that game. –JW

No! –SH

John, I'm bored! –SH

Help me! –SH

You're supposed to be my friend…-SH

Sarah is seeing someone else, by the way. –SH

Jaaaaaawwwwwnnnn! –SH

* * *

Molly, do you have any corpses or organs donated to science? –SH

Who is this and how did you get my number? –Molly

Honestly, don't be so dense. Read the text signature and make a deduction. If you're still having trouble, think: who is the only person I know who would ask for body parts? –SH

Oh, right! Sorry. I thought you were Jim. Silly me! And no, I don't have anything, except for a kidney, but that is for a transplant. –Molly

BRING THE KIDNEY BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTAL. –SH

Excuse me? –Molly

Um, no. Sorry, I can't. I'll lose my job. Puny mortal? –Molly

Disregard that. John burnt my nicotine patches. I've been forced to rely on coffee instead. –SH

And how much coffee have you had exactly? –Molly

Not enough. –SH

Well, I was going to swing by a café after work. ;) –Molly

No, I don't want to go with you. I'M BORED. –SH

Never mind, then. –Molly

* * *

Anderson. I know where you live. MWAHAHAHA! –SH

WTF! Howd ya get this numbr, freek?

Mycroft. Big Brother sometimes proves to be useful. –SH

This is an invasin of privacy. These txts will b evidence aganst u.

Don't be stupid; Big Brother is also good at making…things…disappear. –SH

0_o

* * *

Jim, I know we were not on the best of terms before your fortunate demise, but nothing interesting is happening. Therefore, if you somehow managed to fake your death, and you are, in fact, still among the living, please go do something fascinating before I really jump off a building. –SH

Are you ignoring me? –SH

Hello? –SH

Fine, stay dead. See if I care. –SH

* * *

Jaaaawwwwnnn…-SH

Sheeeerrrrllllyyyy-JW

Don't ever call me Sherly! –JW

Fine. –JW

Why not? –JW

I am not a female, obviously. –SH

You sure act like one sometimes. –JW

What do you want now? –JW

I am three point nine seven millimeters away from asking Mycroft for a case. –SH

And? –JW

DO SOMETHING. –SH

Why is asking him such a bad thing? –JW

Because. –SH

Because why? –JW

He broke my pirate ship that I had constructed in an Erlenmeyer flask when I was seven. –SH

That's…-JW

Atrocious! –SH

Stupid. –JW

Sherlock, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. –JW

Please answer me? –JW

I'm sure he's sorry. –JW

I am sorry. -JW

I'll be home in a few minutes. –JW

* * *

Any good cases? –JW

Not you too! –L

Sorry, it's just that Sherlock's sulking because of something I said earlier. He's giving me the silent treatment. –JW

From what I know about Sherlock, if you give him what he wants he'll do this all the time just because he thinks he can get away with it. –L

Very sound advice, Lestrade. –JW

I'm at the pub. Care to join me? Mike is here, he says hello. –L

See you both soon. –JW

* * *

I'm bored. Let's have dinner. –SH

Okay. Should I wear red or black? –Adler

Black. Meet you at Angelo's, 9:00. –SH

Oh, that kind of dinner. I'm not hungry. –Adler

Fine. –SH

* * *

Jim, I know you're not dead! –SH

If you are doing this to be annoying, well, I'd just like you to know that it is not working! –SH

Please don't be dead. –SH

I. Am. So. Bored. -SH

* * *

Sir, Anderson just told me that the freak threatened him. –Sally

So? –L

Can I arrest him now? –Sally

Iss their evidence? –L

No, not anymore. But it was there and I saw it! I'm a witness! –Sally

Butt its gone now? –L

Yes. –Sally

Sally, you are very prepaid for a cop. –L

*Presoaked –L

*Prejudiced! –L

Are you okay, sir? –Sally

Perfectly lover-ly. And perhapsss a bit drunk. XD –L

Oh, God. –Sally

* * *

Sherlock, dear? -Mrs. H

Mrs. Hudson? You have a phone? -SH

Of course! Anyone who is anyone does. -Mrs. H

Anyway, John told me that you were interested in knitting! -Mrs. H

John is wrong. -SH

Oh, but Sherlock! You could replace all of his jumpers that you've destroyed! -Mrs. H

Knitting is boring! -SH

It is better than sitting about upstairs with nothing to do, dear. And you'll have me for company! -Mrs. H

Only if you bring the tarts you are baking; I bet they taste as good as they smell. -SH

I'll be right up with them, but just this one time. I'm not your housekeeper. -Mrs. H

* * *

Hey, Sherlock, I've got a human brain that just came in if you want it. -Molly

Not now. I'm busy. -SH

Oh! Have you got a case on? -Molly

No, I'm knitting; it's hard and you are breaking my concentration. -SH

Um, okay. Good luck with your knitting, I guess. -Molly

* * *

Lestrade, Sherlock has finally lost it. -JW

What happened? Is he okay? -L

He's fine except for the fact that he spent this afternoon KNITTING. -JW

Knitting? -L

KNITTING. -JW

What did he knit? -L

A sweater! A purple sweater! He said that way we are color-coordinated, or something. No wonder everyone thinks we're gay! -JW

So you aren't gay? -L

NO! -JW

Oh...-L

* * *

John. I am going to die. Really, I am. -SH

You better not! Do you know the hell you put me through last year? -JW

Get me a case then! The sameness of the flat is getting to me! I have a rash, John. A RASH. -SH

TEXT MYCROFT! -JW

NEVER! -SH

Well then, I can't help you. I'm at Tesco's right now, as we seem to be out of milk AGAIN, for some reason. When I get back we can play Charades or something. -JW

No! Anything but Charades! -SH

I'm not that bad, am I? -JW

Is that a rhetorical question? -SH

Fine! But we aren't playing chess! -JW

Why not? -SH

Because you will always win. So, basically, it's no fun because there is absolutely no hope of me beating you ever. -JW

Fine. -SH

How's the jumper? -SH

It's great, Sherlock. Who would've thought you would have the patience to sit for hours and mess around with yarn? -JW

You aren't just being sarcastic? -SH

No. I really do like it. -JW

That's good, then. -SH

Yes. -JW

Right. Well. I'm still bored. -SH

I never thought you weren't. -JW

* * *

JIM MORIARTY YOU LISTEN HERE. IF YOU ARE DEAD, FINE, BUT IF YOU ARE ALIVE AND DOING THIS ON PURPOSE, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE A VERY RUDE MAN. -SH

You are right. Ordinary people are boring. And unreliable. There haven't been any suicides, homicides, robberies, terrorist attacks or anything remotely interesting in three days. Where are you when I need you? -SH

Burmuda. It's really lovely here! -M

Oh, and do be careful what you wish for, honey! -M

Just as I suspected! -SH

How did you do it? -SH

There are more pressing things to worry about than how I pulled off my little stunt, like why you didn't knit a jumper for me. I feel so left out, Sherly! -M

Don't call me Sherly. Or else. -SH

Or else what, doll? -M

I'll sick my doctor on you. -SH

Ooh, I'm scared. -M

You should be. -SH

And why is that, Sherly? -M

Turn around and see for yourself. -SH

What? There's nothing there! -M

Made you look. -SH

*Facepalm* -M

Laters! -SH

* * *

**And thus ends my abomination of literature. I had so much fun writing this. If you find any errors, send me a message. THANKS FOR READING!**


End file.
